Heat waaaave

Unusual stressful situations can come along and i use them as excuses to eat horribly. This happened yesterday. After the DAY BEFORE yesterday being practically my BEST DAY for eating.. i came home to find my brother in law lying on the floor, sheet white and sweaty, eyes rolling in the back of his head. Immediately I took him to the hospital and we ended up in emerg with him all night till about 5 am. I won't go into detail about his condition, besides the fact that it was a good scare for all of us. But coming home at 5:30 am... being sooo hungry.. I used the excuse of being up all night to eat. Thats also why i find night shifts so hard eating-wise.
So I made mysefl two big hot dogs. I also had pickedup a small bag of doritos on my way out of the hospital. Then... i went to sleep till 2pm.. (not good.) i had felt so stuffed because im not used to eating that much.. but i didn't learn my lesson. Later int he day i ate more chips, and then we ordered pizza and i had 3 pieces. The pizza was sooooo greasy. It sat in my stomach like a lump and i immediately regretted it. I used to be able to eat like 5 or 6 pieces and not be THAT FULL. Now.. 3 pieces made me want to hurl. I was soo mad at myself.

Luckily I have a buddy (Dana) who called me and said "lets go fora walk." at first, i tried handing in my "excuse card" (I even said those words to her) because I felt sooo gross and did NOT feel like walking. Luckily she wouldn't take no for an answer so she came over and at about 10:15pm we started our walk. We walked for over an hour and jogged part of the way. It was waaaay easier to jog when someone is jogging with you and saying "lets make it to that light post..." or "lets go to the NEXT corner instead of this one"

It was soo good to have a partner doing this with me.. and the fact that we walk and jog at the same pace... its perfect! we've made goals to walk/jog together 5 times per month and to be jogging lots by the end of august. We both want so badly to be "runners" so we're just gonna make it happen. So even tho last night was horrible eating-wise, I was able to turn it around with some help from a good friend.

So my picture today is of this pretty flower. My friend Kent actually took this pic. I chose it because, even tho i felt like DIRT yesterday, i still was able to rise above that and do something good for myself. In doing this, my ability to jog "grew" and will continue to "grow" -- just like a flower. (corny iknow.. but true.)

Just as a side note.. i re-discovered the yumminess of yogan-fruiz the other day... my NEW FAVOURITE SNACK!!

Oh yea, AND i weighed myself at danas and for some reason, im at the same weight... which pisses me off.. but im going to try not to think about it and focus on my exercising.

IF you want my body ... AND you think im sexy...

I don't think you're ready... for this jelly...

Today is day 27... wow will this month EVER be over? I don't know how much weight i've lost entirely because i don't own a scale. However, today I am going over to my girl dana's house and we are having a bonnie-dana afternoon. She has a scale and I get to see how much damage I've done so far this month. It has been sooo hot here all week, and today is another scorcher. Dana and I are going to do some walking, some relaxing, and some swimming in her OUTDOOR pool! I can deal with that. My pic today depicts our lounging in the sun in our bathing suits. We look like that don't we dana... *shifts eyes*

Well the last couple of days I did pretty good with my eating. Although I did indulge in a couple of chocolate chip cookies. But heres my thing: one cookie is 60 calories so theres no reason why I can't fit those into my calories for the day if i feel like indulging.

I made the most inventive YUMMY snack yesterday and I couldn't wait to share it with you all. I had a couple of scoops of mandarin sherbert (low cal) and i spiced it up with slicing an orange and mixign the orange pieces in the sherbert. It was sooo yummy and also a very physically attractive snack. It could have been a picture on a cooking show! So instead of having that sunday, break out the sherbert and put some fruit in it... like a berry sherbert with some berries in it! how perfect..

I've been eating alot of fruit in the last few days but not quite enough veggies so i'll have to work on that. But.. im keeping up with my water..

Just a quick shout-out to all the ladies i've been chatting with on "3fatchicks.com". This is a support network for people trying to shed pounds, and the support i've gotten has been great! i love to hear all your stories and encouragment! Keep going ladies.. cuz you keep me going!

Yesterday i got a compliment from a co-worker. She said 'bonnie your face is really wasting away... you look so pretty" -- she hadnt' seen me in about a week. WOW that felt good.

Thats right ladies Im one month LESS away from BECOMING BOOTYLICIOUS!!

Back on track!

Today was a great day. It had to be. I needed to make up for yesterday's breif fall off the wagon. I just have to see these weak moments as veering from my track and to get back on as soon as possible. Its not a complete failure. And if Im going to be in this for the long haul i have to realize that I'm bound to give in to temptation once in a while. Today I was very very good. I did sleep in late as I was up late doin the house warming party thing. So, being as that it was about NOON, I made myself a salad with lettuce, tomatoes and calorie-wise thousand island dressing. I also had a hamburger patty that had been bbq'd from yesterday so most of the grease had dripped off, and i had it without a bun and just dipped it in some mustard. Then, Later in the afternoon I went for a bike ride that unfortunately was cut to about 15 minutes because it was sooo hot out and I couldn't bear it. Plus I was getting a bit of a sunburn. In the evening I went swimmming and swam my half hour of laps. I am particularily proud of myself because I swam extra hard today and used many muslces and i could really feel it afterwards. yay for me! when I got home, it was around 9pm ... but i figured, i slept in till noon, my timing is all off.. im gonna be up for a long time yet, i better eat since all i had was that salad and the hamburger. So i made myself some tomato soup (very low-cal) and i put a can of tuna into it. I heard about doing that once and i wanted to try it.. it really does taste good! And of course I nibbled on cherries throughout the day and drank my two litres. Then late tonite, after midnight, i walked my best friend sean home. We walked and a good clip, and then after dropping him off I took a power walk around the lake by his place (my favourite spot) which im sure is about ... 800 metres around. Then I power walked it all the way home.. I really would like to know the distance. Nevertheless i know i burned off what i needed to burn off today, and it felt great!

My swimmer-pin-up-girl is posted there to represent my hard work in the pool today... maybe one day I will look like her.. what do you think?

My Lovely Lady Lumps... check it out...

Today was probably my most off day since I started. I didn't eat too healthy. First of all I slept in till noon. So i got up... had one of those oatmeal in a bar things... and a cup of raspberry apple sauce. (we are in a state of emergency with our groceries at the moment .. so im kinda picking at scraps. so I figured... that was good... after all im not active i just sat and watched days of our lives... so a little later i had an orange. Meanwhile im workin on my first litre of water. So far .. so good right? well THEN... I was sooo in the snacking mood and there were these little chocolate rock candies that we have stored away. So i had a few of those ... then my brother in law came home with a sub and a bag of chips. He left to do some errands and the chips were stairing right at me and got the better of me .. (i only had a handful tho i swear..it COULD have been waaay worse.) all this snacking and being so frustrated with my lack of motivation caused me to get into the "i dont' care" mode so i made myself two hot dogs at around... 3pm. Ugh... i so shouldnt' have given in.. but damn they were good. Then... I did a couple hours worth of housework and tried to dance around and re-motivate myself. My mom stopped over and i was so glad to see her cuz i know i can talk to her about anything. I told her how down i was feelign and what a failure i felt like.. and she gave me some good cheering up and support. She also had brought me over a fitness magazine called "shape".. it was good to get my mind off the fact that all i wanted to do was snack. Ugh...

Then around 6ish my sister and her hubby were home and decided to cook a frozen pizza. Not the best choice but as stated above, we are desperately in need of a trip to the grocery store. So i had two medium sized pieces of this pepperoni pizza, and i added fresh pineapple on top. As if that wasn't enough damage for the evening, my sister and I were getting ready for our bbq tomorrow so we were cutting up tomatoes, onions and lettuce and preparing everything ahead of time. So she decides to open a bag of chips. they weren't even my favourite (salt and vinigar) they were dill pickle which i only moderately like, but alas, my munchies got the better of me and i had a few. I probably had about 10 chips. However, this was at like 9:30 pm. I knew somethign had to be done. I had to kickstart my motivation.

So i called up my best friend who lives a few blocks from me and told him in no uncertain terms that we were going for a walk. STAT. As we walked down to a nearby lake that we always go to.. i decided i would try jogging (it was more to prove to him that i really can't jog for very long.) I jogged probably for about 30 seconds, no joke... and i was sooo out of breath. I told him that My goal is by the end of the summer to be able to jog around the lake. After walking him back to his condo i decided to jog some more. So i jogged for a bit, then walked, then jogged some more, then walked.. the whole way home. This TOTALLY got my heart rate up.. and felt sooo good. even tho it was harder than a banchee.

So.. i decided on my walk home that because today was not a great day, I am going to start again like tomorrow is day one. Even though tomorrow is actaully DAY 24!!! I am going to approach it like i have renewed motivation.. and that tomorrow will kick off another long stretch of nothing-but-healthy way of life.


Tomorrow will be another challenge to try to steer towards the healthy food at the bbq. I will have a hamburger. But I will load it with veggies and i will eat only fruit as a side. and maybe some spinach salad. Remember the healthy cooking nurse bonnie. Remember the healthy cooking nurse.

cowgirl_up

OK lets see.. did it work this time?? I think it did! Anyway HERE is my picture of my pin-up cowgirl. I love these girls because they are so sexy and yet still not stick thin. I love it! I love the 1950's look.. its so classy AND sexy. My goal is to lose enough weight to BE a pin-up girl for halloween. Probably not this halloween.. but perhaps next??

Yeeeeehaaaw!

I need to get my bootylicious butt moving!

I feel so defeated. Today I really felt like I had no energy.. and even tho I ate completely healthy and had my two litres of water, i still for some reason feel like Im failing. I know I only feel this way because I haven't exercised enough this week. Yesterday I went for an hour long bike ride with my sister. That felt really good. But I need to do something physical like that every day, or at the very least 3 times a week. And this week I so have not lived up to that. As a result i feel like I've made no progress this week at all :( However, i have to recognize that Im at the 3 week mark and this is normally my give-up point. If I let this get to me i could easily fall off my wagon. I would waste these 3 hard weeks if I did that. The simple solution to my problem is to get more active. These next few days will be difficult as I work during the day but also we are having a house warming party on saturday, so friday evening will be spent getting the house ready (cleaning etc.) and saturday evening will be a night filled with avoiding food.
The plus side to all this is that I can ride my bike to work tomorrow, take the stairs at work, and be on my feet all day which should kick start my active side again.

I feel at this point that it would still be so incredibly easy for me to fall off the wagon. To slip back into eating fast food, being a couch potatoe, and giving up. Maybe once i start to see some real change in my body... (ie... buying smaller clothes or even being out of the plus sizes,) this won't seem to me like "new way of life" it will still feel like a "diet" that Im more that likely to fail at. I know I need to be way less negative, and normally I am, but this blog is meant for me to vent my feelings and frustrations. I want to look back at this 50 lbs from now and go.. wow i've come a long way, and for it to give me motivation to keep going. I know that without exercise I will feel like im not getting anywhere.

Damn i wish i could figure out how to post pics on here. And i really don't like that my profile and all my posts are not up at the top of the page. :( booo.

anyway... I better head to bed as 6am comes fast.

** I wonder if i'll see my cute boy tomorrow. **

Ok now time like the present to note that I LOVE pin-up girls!! (yes i am heterosexual.)... but the girls in these paintings are so damn cute! I even have a pin-up girl calander. Anyway, i decided today to post this *Cowgirl pin-up to pay tribute to a very good friend of mine who happens to be a cowboy. He tells me I'm beautiful even when I don't believe it. And I always think of him when I hear the song "You can't hide beautiful" -- so thank you to my crazy cowboy.

Well... I have to get some sleep tonight, so off to dreamland I go.

My poor Bronchioles

yay I finally got this thing to work! I didn't realize i had to switch it to "edit html"... these things are so complicated. I can't even figure out how to get a picture on the side of my blog, like in my profile. Im THAT inept when it comes to computers.

Nevertheless, I have two happy things to report.

1. A couple of months ago I was at work and curious about my own blood pressure. It had always been normal, but I was curious of my poor eating habits and lack of exercise had caught up to me yet. Well... sure enough they had and it read 140/84. GASP....WHAT?! I had to redo it to believe my eyes. I even redid it at a drug store with one of their automatic ones. Yep... it was right.. 140/82 this time. I was only 22 and had hypertension!! (high blood pressure). This was another one of those "rock bottom moments" where I realized that I HAD to change for my health. Well.. today, Day 20, i was at the doctors getting antibiotics for my "chest cold" turned "bronchitis" ... and i had him check it out to see if my new lifestyle had done any positive damage to lower my blood pressure. To my delight, it read 116/88.
I am happy with this and look forward to seeing how it will change throughout my new way of life. This is such a good sign!

2. On June 10th, I went to a friends wedding. The skirt and tank top i had bought for it were a size down from what I normally wear. The skirt was an 18, and Ive been a 20 for the last year. I was delighted that I could squeeze into an 18, even though I had to pull it up a bit to fit it properly, and even then it still left little breathing room. BUT I COULD DO IT UP DAMMIT! Today, i needed a little boost of motivation because I have been sick and have not been exercising, and something like this could EASILY through me of my wagon. So I went through my closet and tried on clothing. That aforementioned tight size 18 skirt now fits like a dream.. around my WAISTE where it is supposed to fit. No more pulling it up to get by. Yessssss.. I also tried on a dress that I had worn to my cousins wedding last august and it was noticable too big for me. Like Im talking... grab a bunch of fabric on the side too big. YAY! This is what i needed to keep going.

I also had a talk with my mom on the phone today and told her both of these accomplishments. She is so supportive I love her to pieces.

My goal orignally was to comfortably fit a size 16 by the end of august. Thats still over 2 months away. I am totally confident that I can do that. I leave for Vancouver on the 11th of July, so That is still 3 weeks away and I am excited to see how much I'll change from now till then. Is a size 16 only 3 weeks away? How long will it take I wonder.
First order of business... get rid of this nasty bronchitis and back into the fitness world.

I have so much codeine in me right now from my accidental overdose of cough syrup. I could have SWORN that label said "two to three teaspoons." Three teaspoons later, A double glance revealed: two teaspoons.

two steps forward... half a step back? (thats how i feel today.)

So tomorrow is Day 20. Twenty days of absolutely no greasy fast food, 2 litres of water per day (give or take), eating 98% healthy foods (the 2% being the couple encounters with booze or a snack once or twice that wasn't the healthiEST choice, but still mainly healthyier things) and including stair climbing, swimming and biking into my routine.

I am proud of myself for getting to this point, although I do realize I need to change a couple things. First of all the last couple days have really seen yet another lull in motivation. Luckily, I managed to stay on the healthy eating track during the lull, but said lull has caused me to fall behind a bit in my exercising. Reasons for which are that I have a chest cold right now, have not been getting enough sleep, and really didn't FEEL like riding my bike to work or climbing the stairs today. But thats one day. The bright side is that i saw my parents and brother on father's day, and they all commented on how I look like i've lost weight. The other bright side is that I am 5 lbs less than I was the last time I weighed myself at my parents (6 days after starting). The OTHER bright side is that I weigh 11 lbs lighter than my heaviest weight. So all in all... things are looking up. Way up.

Today I met a guy at work. He was incredibly cute and I was immediately attracted to him. I know, I know.. this is supposed to be a blog soley dedicated to my journey to becoming bootylicious. However, it is relevent to note that I think maybe he thought I was a bit cute too. Not sure, but for a split second it seemed as though he could see through me and know that I am beautiful. Perhaps it was my own spark of confidence speaking to me making me feel that way and really he was just being polite. Quite possible. But regardless, I felt good for a moment. And to feel good.... felt really good. Thanks Jon. (Now... wanna marry me? j/k. totally kidding.)

So my goal this week is to up my fitness level a notch or two. I don't want to let this shitty chest cold break my momentum. there are times when I am on a roll and i look in the mirror and can plainly see the small progress im making. Then there are times when i feel as though i've lost that momentum.. and i look in the mirror and all i see is fat.

Word of wisdom to myself: slow and steady wins the race. This is a lifestyle change, dont search for the weight to come off. Just live. Live healthy, live happy and active... and time will prove to be on your side.

Today I am renewing my committment to my healthy lifestyle. I am feeling better about myself. I am proud of my accomplishments.

Anyone have a doughnut?? No I mean one I can sit on....

Today for the second time i road my bike to work. MAN my ass hurts. And not in a good way.. its not the "i worked out and i can feel it " kinda hurt.. its a .. "wow i feel like i've been straddling a two by four for the last 10 days" kinda hurt. So from looking at many different weight loss sites, I've decided that to lose weight i should be taking in about 1700-1800 calories a day.. something like that. So i figure.. If i try to make each meal around 500 calories, that brings me to 1500.. then for snacks, my rule is to make them around 100 calories each, if i have 3... or if i have 2 make them 150 calories each. Im not going to go totally strict with my calories, but if I kinda ballpark it, i think it will teach me a lot about the foods that i am eating. ** wow my ass hurts** tomorrow is day 14. I really believe that I will make the whole month. And i KNOW.. that if i make the full month, that I will be renewed for another month.. and by then the results should be very apparent that I will be indefinitly motivated. *crosses fingers* Well I have to cut this one short cuz my bed is calling my name... again.

Day 13

Today is day 13. This is usually around the time where i have given up in the past. I certainly feel the urge to give up. I feel the urge for a big mac meal. I feel the urge to drive to work instead of bike. I feel the urge to lay on the couch and watch days of our lives. I feel the urge to go to the cupboard and find a snack. I feel the urge to stop drinking water. I feel the urge to say to hell with it i'll always be fat.
But even stronger I feel the urge to have a thinner waist. I feel the urge to go dancing at a club and feel sexy. I feel the urge to be able to run and LIKE IT. I feel the urge to be able to run up 7 flights of stairs instead of taking them slowly. I feel the urge to look into the mirror and love what i see staring back at me. I feel the urge to flirt, to date, to be in love, to make love, to feel desired. I feel the urge to inspire others. I feel the urge to be proud of myself. I feel the urge to stun people I haven't seen in a long time. Most of all, I feel the urge to be who i REALLY am, and also FIND OUT who I really am.
I want to DO all those things I listed in that previous entry about what I would do when I lose the weight. I dont' want to dream about it my whole life. I want to do it. I want to KNOW I CAN.

There. That is my inspiration for the day. In 45 minutes I will be biking to work again. When I get there I am going to take the 7 flights of stairs up to my unit. While I give out meds tonight I am going to finish my 2nd litre of water for the day, and on my supper break I will eat my chicken garden salad and yogart that I have prepared. I will take the 8 flights of stairs back up to my unit from the basement after my supper break. I will feel good. I will bike home. I will feel good. I will go to bed early. I will sleep well. I will get up and begin my 14th day. It really does feel like its been waaay longer than 13 days and I find myself feeling like this journey will take FOREVER and I dont' know how much longer I can do it. But then, I think... is it really THAT hard?? Is it THAT hard to stay away from fast food? is it THAT hard to bike to work instead of drive? is it THAT hard to prepare my meals?? the answer is no. Its not... suck it up.. do it. If I don't do it, I will stay fat and depressed. If i DO do it .. I will change my life... Not that hard of a decision.

Hungover = That much harder to stay ON THE WAGON!

Today is the 11th of June. So it has been 11 days. I feel really great about my accomplishments. Although last night I was at a wedding and I did end up visiting the porcelein gods by the end of the night. But today, even in my hungover stupor, I still made it to the pool and did my half hour of laps. I went with my sister and her husband. Everytime i'd swim past my brother-in-law he'd call out to me a percentage of my 30 minutes that I had already completed. "54.6% done!".... "64.8% done!!!"..... "86.2% done!!!!" ... "Goooo Bonnie... goooo bonnie!" It felt really great to have such encouragment. And as I swam my laps I'd look over beside me and there was my sister doin laps right along with me. I think that when I lose my weight... the only person that would be prouder of myself than me, is my sister. I love our relationship and I can't wait until we can share clothes, and I can feel normal.

Im really frustrated right now. Not just about the fact that im sitting here really hungry.. but its a culmination of other things in my life right now annoying me. Most of it is financial stress, which I know is reletively easy for me to solve.. so I shouldn't be complaining. Its just a bad time of the month right now for me financially, and its putting me in a bad mood. Im realizing that all this stress is really reallllly making me want to go eat. And that in general is making me feel like a failure. Even though im not going to.

OK... i am going to go dance around my room to some beyonce... see if that helps...

*10 minute interlude*

.... Ok... so i cleaned up a little and danced to my booty-shakin music and now i feel better. I shouldn't dwell on stupid things i can't change. Its not the end of the world that I will miss my hockey games, I will be making my badly needed money and I am no where near bankruptcy so im still doing good.

PLUS... how awesome am I GOING TO LOOK when i lose my weight ?!?!?!
So awesome thats what!
I can't wait to walk into the room and instead of getting stares because im so FAT i will get stares because DAMN i look hot.

Signs that I am succeeding:
1. My jeans are way looser (can take them off without undoing them!)
2. I fit into a size 18 skirt (down from a size 20)
3. I am not working so hard to suck in my gut all day
4. My arms are losing some unwanted "flab"
5. I am less short of breath when Im active
6. I can exercise for longer periods and tolerate it much better
7. I am more energetic throughout the day
8. I am not as emotionally "down" as I have been.
9. I am spending less money on fast food
10. I am gaining some confidence

In the last few days i've been presented with blatant opportunities to fall of my wagon. Not good. Especially because i normally so easily give in to temptation.
However, today as i sat in boston pizza with my sister and her hubby after swimming (not my choice they were really hungry) .. i decided to look at all of those moments as small challenges and i tried to think of it as a fun little game to see how many of those moments I can overcome. Today, I really really wanted to get something yummy like a sandwich and fries or something.. but instead I decided I would get pizza. So I opted for an individual (normally I would eat way more than an individual) and i got a vegetarian pizza (hey.. veggies... mozza.. not tooo terrible) ... and while waiting for my food i drank 3 LARGE glasses of ice cold water, and sipped my fourth one while eating my pizza. I decided also to eat my pizza with a fork and knife so that i was eating it slower, really chewing and taking small breaks while eating it. I found that half way through the pizza, i was feeling full! So i boxed up the other half to take home. Mission complete!

Now.. for all of you that are thinking "omg this girls going obsessive she only ate half an individual sized pizza for supper.." I had already had a bowl of mushroom soup and some mixed raw veggies before we went swimming, and earlier a turkey sandwhich with lettuce, tomatoes and cheese. Keep in mind i slept in till noon due to my incredible hang-over. (ha ha.) And I wasn't even going to eat anything at boston pizza but i thought, if my temptation is going to get the better of me, better make it a healthier choice!

So ... last night I was at a wedding. I have positives and negatives for the night on the whole.
Negatives:
1. I did not use the "no-touch technique" very effectively.. my food WAS touching.. and it was damn good.
2. I did indulge in desert.
3. I did indulge in the open bar ... hehe.. ooops.

Positives:
1. I felt semi-good about the way I looked in my size 18 skirt.
2. I did NOT go back for seconds (normally i sure would)
3. I tried to eat fuit for desert (along with the sweets i took in -- oops.)
4. At first I decided Not to partake in the late lunch. However, I had had some drinks and was feeling "carefree" -- not a good combination with dieting. So I did take a small plate during the late lunch. This is under positives because a friend came and told me to get my ass on the dance floor for a good song .. she said to me "our food will still be here when we get back" ... at that moment i was so thankful that she came to get me, and I decided NOT to go back to the table at all... instead i stayed on the dance floor.

Looking around at all the couples dancing just reaffirmed my committment to changing my life and showing the people in my life the real me. I can't wait to feel like the prettiest girl in the room. I deserve that.

Going to bed on a hopeful note.

And thank you my redhead chris from calgary for listening to me and always encouraging me so much... as always, tonight your advice and support meant so much.

Well .. time for a quick pit stop. It has been a week. Seven full days of eating very healthy, drinking roughly 2 litres of water a day, and trying to get a little more active. For exercise this week I went swimming twice, during which I worked up to swimming lanes for 30 minutes straight. This is an accomplishment for me because I have never done 30 minutes straight before with no breaks. It felt so good to push myself and acheive my goal. It also felt so good to get the heart rate up and I love swimming because there is no getting all hot and sweaty (#1 thing i hate about exercise). Also this week... I achieved my goal of taking the stairs at work each time i worked. I did three evening sfhifts this week. I took the 7 flights of stairs three times, and on my last day I also did another 8 flights when coming up from the basement. It is hard but getting a little easier which is the most important. And, although I did not do pilates this week like I planned, I did do lots of stretching and muscle toning while watching days of our lives. My target muscle group this week were my arms (ok not very specific targetting, but hey.. im not a personal trainer), so also while watching t.v I lifted weights. Yay for me!
So i don't own a scale... but i am going to use my friend dana's scale in a couple of days and find out if i've done any serious damage. However, Im not an eager beaver to step on that scale just yet, as it tends to discourage me. Instead, at least maybe for the first month, I will go on how I feel. For example... at the end of this week, I feel great! I really do. I dont' feel its much work to suck in my gut whereas before thats all I would concentrate on! I feel energized, a little more confident, I feel happier generally. It feels easier to wake up earlier.. as i did that a few times this week to go swimming or to just BE up early. If i were to step on a scale right now and see that I didnt' lose anything, or only lost one pound... it would discourage me and negate all the good that Im feeling right now. Boooo for scales. They will however become more pertinent at the end of the month or later in my bootylicious battle.

I would like to add a little thought here as to why I decided to do this. I mean YES i've "decided" to "do this" many MANY times before. But from now on I no longer will even mention those other times as they are of no consequence to me. I am where I am NOW. And NOW I'm going to change my life. End of story. Ok on with what I was going to say which is this:

You know how they say once people hit "rock bottom" they will decide to change... but that "rock bottom" moment has to hit. Well... for me, there have been several "rock bottom moments" in the past few months. I wont' go into huge detail, but one in particular sticks out in my mind. And I like to think of it not so much as a rock bottom moment, but as a "lightbulb moment" .. an "ah-hah" moment that made me realize how important this is for my happiness. I was out one night with my family. We had planned a suprise graduation party for my brother. We were out at kareoke at a pub. There I was, having a moderately good time, (as usual in public settings surrounded by people I constantly compare myself to).. and I notice the Kareoke DJ. He was tall, over 6 feet Im sure, blonde, great body, super cute face, funny, outgoing... a total catch. As Im eyeing him up with the thought in the back of my mind that no one that good looking would ever want to be with me... he gets up to the stage to sing a song. He says the song (which was a completely romantic country ballad) was dedicated to his fiance... and of course everyones heart melts as he sings in his totally sexy voice... blah blah blah.. in my head thinkin what a lucky SKINNY BEAUTIFUL girl this is and how I can feel the chunks rising and tears welling. I look over and see his fiance. This girl, about 5'5 roughly.... probably over 2oolbs, is sitting there with a big rock on her finger and a smile on her face. I was shocked that a guy like that would be engaged to a girl like her. I know that sounds bad and hypocritical. But, lets face it, we know how the world works.
I thought to myself for a second how much I would love a guy to take me for who I am and love me the way I am. Then .. the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if a gorgeous, sweet, sexy guy walked into my life.. .LOVED my body, and made me his #1 priority, I STILL would not be happy. I wouldn't want him to love me the way I am now, because I dont. I love who I am. I love who I want to be. But I don't love the way I look, and I don't think any amount of love from another person will complete me. That love has to come from me. And... I realize that I will never be 100% happy, unless I change and lose the weight I want to lose and do the things with my life that I really want to do.
I had a friend back in highschool who was very overweight, way more so than me. We had a breif talk about it once at a friends house. She said "I've tried everything and I've basically just realized that I''l always be fat.. so Im going to accept it.. thats the way I am and I'm happy with it." Those words always stuck with me because I figured, either she was lying, or, she really was going to accept it. And it made me so angry inside about myself because I know that Im not going to accept it. I am NOT happy with it. It is NOT who I am. I will NOT let my life be overcome by this weight that holds me back.

Now.. with all that said.. I need to take a moment and thank God for giving me this rush of empowerment and motivation, but ask that it keep coming. I pray so hard that this won't be one of my failed attempts. I am all for staying positive, but I also have to be realistic about my weaknesses. I rarely last more that two weeks. Please God give me the strength and confidence to keep going. This already feels so good. I'm not giving this good feeling up.

Time out for an Oilers Tragety... :(

So ok I know this is supposed to be my weight loss blog... but I just have to take a moment of silence and aknowledge the devestating injury to Dwayne Rollison, the Edmonton Oilers goallie, who was put out of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight, game 1, against the Carolina Hurricanes. As a die-hard Oiler fan, I am totally totally crushed. Dwayne Rollison is our not-so-secret weapon, and although I should remain faithful at this point, the ridiculous stupidity of Conklin as evidenced by his bonehead play tonight... (sorry conky... but that was retarded) .. has thrown a dark cloud over our city's wicked awesome playoff attitude and energy this season. I am devestated. Its like a death. I am in mourning. I still do have faith in our stellar Line-up but without the ass saving that rollison so often provides for us... we are going to have to seriously pull up our socks. GO OILERS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i remain faithful.


OK so back to the bootyliciousness of it all:
For some reason im feeling a lull in my motivation today .. DESPITE the fact the by all technical means, im doing great! i swam for half hour today, drank 2 litres of water ... took the stairs at work, and ate really healthy...
Im trying to discover the reason for this lull of motivation and i've come up with this : im really hungry right now. And as i said in my previous post, when im hungry, i feel like slipping off the wagon is soooo within reach. When im hungry, even a glance in the mirror makes me feel horrible. Its like.. when im hungry, all the progress I've made means nothing. So.. the key for the next couple of days is to avoid hunger. How will I do this? I will continue to fill up on water and I will try to eat more throughout the day .. like grazing... on veggies and fruit. That means I have to go grocery shopping.

Well... I successfully negated to acheive my goal of starting to go to bed at a decent hour. Its 1:38 am. My bed is calling my name....

Greetings from my hungry tummy

Today was a grrrreeeat day! I have a couple of accomplishments I want to aknowledge. First of all, I ate super healthy today, PLUS I managed to drink well over 2Litres of water today -- I swear it was even a bit over 3-- not that im going crazy and expect to drink that much every day, just today it happened. And as you may have guessed I spent what seemed like half the day peeing.
Ok... SO.. my other accomplishment was as follows: I vowed to take the stairs at work each time i work. Now, going up 7 flights of stairs (8 when im in the basement and coming back up from supper) may seem like an every day thing for most people. Not I. The first time I did it, my co-worker Nancy dragged me with her and we took a break on the 4th floor because I badly needed one. By the time I reached the top they almost needed to call the code team. Just Kidding (nursing joke). However, today Nancy and I went up the stairs again together and not only did I NOT need a break, I talked pretty much the entire time. Sure I was a bit SOB (short of breath-- again, nursing term) when I reached the top but I did not feel one step away from a code blue.. IN FACT.. I continued my conversation after reaching the 7th floor. Many of you might be thinking that its not the biggest accomplishment, but I asure you, it is. Not only that, but I haven't taken the stairs in a while, so this was a cold turkey stair adventure. Im so proud of myself. It felt good too that Nancy noticed how much better I did... and she said so and THAT felt great. I have a friend at work she is a unit clerk. She lost 50lbs in the last year so I am using her for support and she really IS such an inspiration. She's so gorgeous and I am dying to know what I would look like minus the weight I want to lose. Scratch that-- am GOING to lose.

Also, tonight... a friend of mine... AKA the devil ... tried to push a plate of fries on me at about 1am as we went out for coffee after work. I steadfastly refused the plate.. although my stomach and my eyes were saying .... eat those fucking fries they are sooo good. But ... yay for me I refused and did so successfully!

When I am hungry I feel it is SOOOO easy for me to "fall off the wagon" and give in to my cravings. These times are usually either at 3-4pm (after work) or midnight (after work). I have to seriously destract myself to avoid going to get fast food. So these are my weak times and I need to be aware of them. I need to create strategies to get through my weak times. Tonight it was a miracle of GOD that i didn't eat those fries, because it was at my PEAK weak time, and i was sooo hungry. But ... tonight I will go to bed on that hungry stomach and feel great in the morning.
***DON'T WORRY TO ALL THOSE THAT ARE AT THIS POINT THINKING: THIS GIRL IS STARVING HERSELF***
Please, do you really think I have the willpower to stay away from food alltogether? Not going to happen. The devil friend mentioned above (really he is one of the most caring.. good-natured people I know) specifically said to me tonight ..."If I find out that you are starving yourself or putting your finger down your throat, Im taking you out to my dad's place.. no.. YOUR DADS PLACE and we're slattering a steer and we are going to fry it up and eat the whole thing.".... hahahahaha lmao... I love how much my friends care.

When I lose my weight these are some of the things I will do:
1. Buy a new wardrobe.
2. Go horse-back riding.
3. Take hip hop dance lessons... (or just dance a helluva lot more)
4. Take ballroom dancing lessons.
5. Go skydiving
6. Take scuba diving lessons
7. Start hiking
8. Run a marathon (or at least take up running)
9. Go to a nude beach
10. Try surfing (again.)
11. Take yoga
12. Wear a two-piece
13. Go to the water park and FEEL GOOD.
14. Get a full body massage.
15. Go houseboating on the shushwaps...(spelling?)
16. Go downhill skiiing
17. Learn to snowboard
18. Learn to waterski
19. Take up tennis
20. Go white water rafting!!!

... Plus a whole shit-load more which im sure i'll think of as I'm trying to fall asleep.

Sweet dreams to me!! Say goodnight hungry tummy .... "goodnight!!"

Motivation!!!

So here I am, day 4 of my journey to "becoming bootylicious."
Last night was a bit of a test for me but I succeeded! I was at a BBQ for a friend of mine and managed to avoid the alcoholic drinks which I know contain large amounts of calories, so I filled up on water instead. I drank sooo much water yesterday... which reminds me I should be drinking now.. one sec...

Ok.. got my pint glass full here.. now where was I: oh yes. So I read on one of these inspirational sights the "no touch" technique when at a buffet. This sounds like a nursing term we use (oh yea forgot to mention I am a nurse) when we change dressings to keep the area sterile! But no, the "no touch" technique for eating at a buffet is to take what you want from the buffet, but make sure that none of the food on your plate is touching the other food. This ensures that you take smaller portions, but dont' deprive yourself of the items you really want. So there I was, in line for the food... I did have a burger but i didn't put cheese on it: only ketchup and mustard. The rest of the food were salads. So I took the lettuce salads first, then a bit of the pasta salad and then a weee bit of the potatoe salad which is the most fattening. (How could I resist-- my MOM brought the potatoe salad and she makes the best!) I also filled my plate with raw brocoli and cauliflower from the veggie platter and managed to avoid the chip bowls. To top it off, I didn't even go back for seconds! (and i almost alwasy do.) Instead, I just drank more water... and more water... and more water. Until... i was so full that i FELT like i totally overate but i knew i hadn't, and THAT was so satisfying.
A negative from last night is I did continue to have to stare at my own reflection in the windows and i HATED IT. My reflection is enough to make me sick these days. I get really really down especially in social settings when I have to see myself in a mirror or in reflections. This is really unfortunate because I know that the REAL me is totally energetic, confident, outgoing, and would be the life of the party. But instead I end up being a wall flower most of the time because I hate the way I look. But despite my downness last night, all I could think about is how I am GOING TO LOSE THE WEIGHT. And how I have no other choice, and that it really IS possible. The more I read about success stories the more I know I can do it and how in reach it is. After all, I just read about a guy named Tommy McGruder who lost 890 lbs!! Of course, he did have stomach stapling, but I can't imagine how hopeless he felt, and if he can reclaim his life that so can I.
I wish there was a way I could post my blog on a weight-loss site or something.. if anyone knows a way I can do that, please let me know.. I really need feedback and encouraging comments.

I have to go to work today.. an evening shift. My goal today is to take the stairs at least once (thats up 7 flights)... I have done it before so I know its possible, lol.

I really wish i could have links on the side of my page where I could include an eating diary, reasons for losing the weight, and other things ... if anyone knows how to rig that up... please let me know.

I WILL BE BOOTYLICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think i can i think i can i think i can...

My first Baby-Step

The time has come. After spending the last several nights searching through inspirational weight-loss blogs and success stories, I have decided that I too must make my own confessions. I am going to write in this blog as often as possible, and I haven't decided yet if I will share it with my friends and family. This truly is a personal struggle of mine, and yet a part of me does want to shout it from the roof tops. I want everyone to know that I've been living a lie. I am not who everyone thinks I am. My biggest turn off is people who misrepresent themselves, but I feel as though every day I live I am misrepresenting myself. I am fooling everyone; I am even fooling myself, as I have not even given myself a chance to get to know the real me.

I am 22 years old. The date today is June 4, 2006. I am overweight. I am more than overweight. Im VERY overweight. The last time I weighed myself I weighed... sigh... 242 lbs. I am 5'4".
I am so incredibly sick of being the fat girl. Im so incredibly sick of my weight being an issue in my life. Holding me back from nearly EVERYTHING i've ever wanted to do. I don't get to grow and change and experience new things like others. I am constantly holding myself back because of my weight.

This blog is going to be a very personal account of my journey to becoming BOOTYLICIOUS. I began on june 1st, that is, I began eating healthy and taking walks at night. My family is planning a trip to mexico in the winter of 2007/08, and my goal is to wear a two piece bathing suit on that trip.

I have about 100lbs to lose. I know this will be an incredibly long and tough journey, but I have no other choice.

I have another blog but I rarely write in it because its public and because all I ever want to talk about these days is how i hate my looks and how badly I want to change them.

So I guess I have to start with some small goals, and here they are:

Short Term:
1. For the entire month of June I will eliminate fast food from my diet.
2. I will walk at least 3 times per week, minimum of 20 minutes each time
3. I will perform pilates at least once per week
4. I will drink 2 Litres of water per day
5. I will take the stairs at work at least once per shift.

Long Term
1. By the end of August I will be wearing a size 18 comfortably and fitting a size 16. (I am now a size 20)
2. By the end of august I will be jogging for at least some of my walks

If anyone has ANY advice, support, comments, encouragement etc, I truly truly need them.

Also, this blog is mine entirely. I will be honest. I will vent my frustrations. I will be exposing myself emotionally, so if anyone has a problem with that, move right along.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!