Well .. time for a quick pit stop. It has been a week. Seven full days of eating very healthy, drinking roughly 2 litres of water a day, and trying to get a little more active. For exercise this week I went swimming twice, during which I worked up to swimming lanes for 30 minutes straight. This is an accomplishment for me because I have never done 30 minutes straight before with no breaks. It felt so good to push myself and acheive my goal. It also felt so good to get the heart rate up and I love swimming because there is no getting all hot and sweaty (#1 thing i hate about exercise). Also this week... I achieved my goal of taking the stairs at work each time i worked. I did three evening sfhifts this week. I took the 7 flights of stairs three times, and on my last day I also did another 8 flights when coming up from the basement. It is hard but getting a little easier which is the most important. And, although I did not do pilates this week like I planned, I did do lots of stretching and muscle toning while watching days of our lives. My target muscle group this week were my arms (ok not very specific targetting, but hey.. im not a personal trainer), so also while watching t.v I lifted weights. Yay for me!
So i don't own a scale... but i am going to use my friend dana's scale in a couple of days and find out if i've done any serious damage. However, Im not an eager beaver to step on that scale just yet, as it tends to discourage me. Instead, at least maybe for the first month, I will go on how I feel. For example... at the end of this week, I feel great! I really do. I dont' feel its much work to suck in my gut whereas before thats all I would concentrate on! I feel energized, a little more confident, I feel happier generally. It feels easier to wake up earlier.. as i did that a few times this week to go swimming or to just BE up early. If i were to step on a scale right now and see that I didnt' lose anything, or only lost one pound... it would discourage me and negate all the good that Im feeling right now. Boooo for scales. They will however become more pertinent at the end of the month or later in my bootylicious battle.

I would like to add a little thought here as to why I decided to do this. I mean YES i've "decided" to "do this" many MANY times before. But from now on I no longer will even mention those other times as they are of no consequence to me. I am where I am NOW. And NOW I'm going to change my life. End of story. Ok on with what I was going to say which is this:

You know how they say once people hit "rock bottom" they will decide to change... but that "rock bottom" moment has to hit. Well... for me, there have been several "rock bottom moments" in the past few months. I wont' go into huge detail, but one in particular sticks out in my mind. And I like to think of it not so much as a rock bottom moment, but as a "lightbulb moment" .. an "ah-hah" moment that made me realize how important this is for my happiness. I was out one night with my family. We had planned a suprise graduation party for my brother. We were out at kareoke at a pub. There I was, having a moderately good time, (as usual in public settings surrounded by people I constantly compare myself to).. and I notice the Kareoke DJ. He was tall, over 6 feet Im sure, blonde, great body, super cute face, funny, outgoing... a total catch. As Im eyeing him up with the thought in the back of my mind that no one that good looking would ever want to be with me... he gets up to the stage to sing a song. He says the song (which was a completely romantic country ballad) was dedicated to his fiance... and of course everyones heart melts as he sings in his totally sexy voice... blah blah blah.. in my head thinkin what a lucky SKINNY BEAUTIFUL girl this is and how I can feel the chunks rising and tears welling. I look over and see his fiance. This girl, about 5'5 roughly.... probably over 2oolbs, is sitting there with a big rock on her finger and a smile on her face. I was shocked that a guy like that would be engaged to a girl like her. I know that sounds bad and hypocritical. But, lets face it, we know how the world works.
I thought to myself for a second how much I would love a guy to take me for who I am and love me the way I am. Then .. the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even if a gorgeous, sweet, sexy guy walked into my life.. .LOVED my body, and made me his #1 priority, I STILL would not be happy. I wouldn't want him to love me the way I am now, because I dont. I love who I am. I love who I want to be. But I don't love the way I look, and I don't think any amount of love from another person will complete me. That love has to come from me. And... I realize that I will never be 100% happy, unless I change and lose the weight I want to lose and do the things with my life that I really want to do.
I had a friend back in highschool who was very overweight, way more so than me. We had a breif talk about it once at a friends house. She said "I've tried everything and I've basically just realized that I''l always be fat.. so Im going to accept it.. thats the way I am and I'm happy with it." Those words always stuck with me because I figured, either she was lying, or, she really was going to accept it. And it made me so angry inside about myself because I know that Im not going to accept it. I am NOT happy with it. It is NOT who I am. I will NOT let my life be overcome by this weight that holds me back.

Now.. with all that said.. I need to take a moment and thank God for giving me this rush of empowerment and motivation, but ask that it keep coming. I pray so hard that this won't be one of my failed attempts. I am all for staying positive, but I also have to be realistic about my weaknesses. I rarely last more that two weeks. Please God give me the strength and confidence to keep going. This already feels so good. I'm not giving this good feeling up.