and one and two and three

I know one day i'll get there. But this journey is so mentally exhausting. One day i feel invincable... like my goals are so tangible. The next day i feel utterly hopeless... like theres no point in trying anymore.

I want to be able to fully believe someone when they tell me I'm beautiful.
I find that soo hard. If someone says im pretty, i think i can accept that. I am a pretty girl. But beautiful? sexy? desired? i don't think so. And when I get told that... I automatically am suspicious. Oh how I wonder what it would feel like to be walking around knowing that you are sexually desirable and physically attractive to most ppl. Just a day of that would be pretty freakin neat.

I love this pin up girl. i like to pretend that i look that hot when i am working out.

Ahead of the Game

I never realized what a long process this would be. Well.. switch that.. i DID know it.. i just always skipped to the end of it in my mind. I've fallen off the "wagon" more times that i can count, but i guess the difference this time is that i know i can get back on, and I do. I know that I have this strength inside me, but the patience is what I need to work on. A post on 3FC said it best.. it read something like ... : "Why wait till the next day to "start over" ...we need to "start over" each minute, each hour. We are never truly out of control, we are in the drivers seat.... who ever thought of waiting for tomorrow to come to take back what we know is ours... our power" Ok well a LOT of that quote was my own adding to it as i typed and things just came to me, but that part obout starting over each minute was on 3FC.
I went to the gym with sarah and jun last night.. it felt soo good. I feel so powerful when im pushing myself, challenging myself, and seeing those challenges through. When I let food control my life, i feel utterly powerless. I feel disgusting, unhealthy, aweful.
This is going to be a longer process than I thought. But looking back, I've been at it for coming on 5 months. Even though there have been large gaps in my success.. i have to only expect that. I have to keep plugging away.

why do i hate going to bed? i love my sleep. Why do I wait till the very last minute to hit the sac and turn out my light? There always seems like something better to do, some loose ends i need to tie up, some soul searching to do, some journal writing to do, some reading to do.. a little tyding up to do.. why? why do i procrastonate sleep that i so badly desire and need? I dont' know.

Here... lets do this just for fun:

What do I HATE about my body
1. my teeth
2. my double chin that shows up once in a while
3. my round face
4. my flabby arms
5. my big boobs
6. my "spare tire"
7. my ponch.
8. my stretch marks
9. my big arse
10. my fat thighs
11. my chubby calves
12. my "back fat"

what do i like/love about my body
1. my hair, and the ability to do it straight or naturally wavy
2. my big blue eyes
3. my long eyelashes
4. my shapely eyebrows
5. my beauty mark above my top lip
6. my full lips
7. my smile (other than the teeth.)
8. my high cheek bones
9. the general shape of my face (minus the double chin and extra chub when im at my highest weight)
10. my big boobs (yes it is a love/hate relationship)
11. my general body shape
12. My strong thighs
13. My curvy figure (including that big butt)
14. my fingernails when I grow them out
15. the fact that im not a hairy mammoth like some women


Wow.. i didn't think i'd find more things that i love than hate.
I guess im still ahead of the game.