Beyond Me.

Ok hold everything. I need to have a huge reality check here. For the past 2 weeks I've totally let myself fall off my wagon. I have been eating like shit, and i cant' really explain how or why i stopped doing what i was doing. First of all I know i've been eating like shit these past few days because im alone in the house.. my sister and her husband are in new york. Unfortunately, this lack of people to keep me in check has totally crumbled my motivation. That, and, why is it when men are assholes I automatically want to eat to avoid getting hurt over them? THe last time I was doing healthy things for myself, Chris broke my heart, and i fell off my wagon. The present wagon-upheaval has interestingly coincided with boy-confusion in my life right now. I had lost 25 lbs.. and now I have gained 7 back! this has caused a HUGE "I don't give a fuck" attitude. this is EXACTLY what I need to avoid.

I have NOT been riding my bike to work
I have NOT been taking the stairs at work
I have NOT been preparing my own lunches
I have NOT been doing my exercise video
I have NOT gone swimming
I have NOT been drinking my water

...Its like i have totally gone back to my old habits. I NEED HELP! I can NOT let my 25 lbd head start be ruined. This is too important to me. This is something I've worked for my ENTIRE life and I WILL NOT let myself give up. I need this .. and the more i was eating healthy and exercising, the more I liked myself. the more i liked my reflection, the better i felt, the happier i felt, the more energetic i felt. And for some fucked up reason.. i have let that all fall out of my hands again. WHY do i do this? why does food feel soo good to shove down? why is it that the more crap I eat the worse I feel and the MORE crap i want to eat? This is horrible. This habit is soooo hard to quit. Its such an addiction and the more I give in to it, the more depressed i feel. I just totally binged because i was alone and sick of being alone, and fat and sick of being fat.. and bored.

I need to take my power back. This weight loss journey IS MINE. I deserve it. I had never felt better in my life. Never felt more in control. I just need a good talk and a good cry. SOmething like that...


Ok *brief 1 1/2 hour interlude*

I just went and balled my face off to a couple really really good friends. In order to get my motivation back, I need to DECIDE it. I need to TAKE IT BACK.

Food is this huge addiction that has always controlled my life. What am I looking for? I've also noticed that when I receive attention from guys, it almost replaces my need for self control. For example.. there recently has been a guy in my life. Not a boyfriend.. just someone of interest. I spend so much energy hoping he's thinkin of me, waiting for validation from him, that I give my power away. It is this, in part, that has thrown me off my path of healthy living. It destracts me. Why have I let my emotions and my feeling of worth be in someone elses hands? What I should be thinking is: regardless of if he calls me or not, regardless of whether or not he's interested in me: I still know that I am worth it. I still know that I am beautiful, intellegent, wonderful, fun, energetic, attractive, and whole. I Shouldn't need a male to tell me that. I have let myself become consumed with wondering if Im good enough for him to like... that I have lost my own self-validation. I have forgotten my self control. The same thing happened in December with Chris. As soon as he decided he did not want me, my healthy living went to shit. These ppl should not have that much control over my life. This is MY life. And losing weight is MY journey. My project. Something I am doing for myself. Something I HAVE to do for myself, otherwise I will always go through life needing validation from other people. This summer I finally have started to find validation in something Im doing for myslef. Finding validation FROM myself. No way am I going to give that up.

I did binge tonight, but I phoned 2 of my closest friends and confessed it all to them and received nothing but unconditional support from the both of them. They both told me that I can turn this around and I know I can too. After I got off the phone, I went downstairs and threw out the left over chips and ice cream i had bought. I threw the chips in the garbage, and I put the ice cream in the sink and ran hot water over it and watched it all melt. I watched it.. and this may make me sound like a candidate for psychiatric help, but as i watched the ice cream melt away in the sink, I took my power back. It felt good because I was in control of pushing that ice cream down the sink instead of out of control and pushing it down my throat. Perhaps next time i need therapy i should buy a tub if ice cream and push the WHOLE thing down the sink. (kidding.)


Even though righ tnow my stomach is full and I feel aweful about it, the depression i felt earlier tonight is slightly eleviated from the small step i made of talking to someone about it and throwing out the rest of that junk food. I know that I will fall several times, but I need to have faith and know that I can pick myself back up. This was probably my first REAL test since I started. It could have all ended this week. It was on the path to ending. But I have decided to turn it around. I know I will. Stay tuned.

Proud.

SO.. time to fess up to the fact that I have been slacking a bit in the weight loss deparment as of late. My entries in here have been far less frequent, I have broken my no fast food rule, and my exercise has NOT been up to snuff like june and even in july. Good news however: I still saw my lowest weight on the scale today, so perhaps the work i did over the last 2 months has quickened my metabolism so that a few slips do not equate disaster. I have been receiving compliments from people at work, I was even told "ok you need to stop losing weight now" (but that was from a source who's life goal is to over-flatter me for reasons i cannot comprehend.
I am receiving some attention from the opposite sex which feels nice. I love hearing that im beautiful.. because i am just now starting to actaully believe it. I've heard it from the people that "have to" say it for years.. but only recently when the weight has begun to come off and i've felt like im doing something for ME, can i say that i am truly starting to feel beautiful.

There sure is this thing about food tho, that i am not nearly over. It has this weird power over me.. and during the months of june and july it was easy to "ignore" even tho it never really left.. i could at least put it on the back burner. This month, however, the addiction or power that food has over me is slowly creeping back I can feel it, and what a totally powerless feeling it is.
We have a few very very obese patients on our unit and i can not help but empathize with them. Many people say "they make the choice to live that way." -- Agreed. However, There really is this strong psychological and physical dependance overweight/obese people get with food. IT is this insane intense feeling of, I need more, im not filled up, and you eat faster, and you eat more, and you just can't get enough, and the fattier the better... etc etc.. and you just don't care because you feel so hopeless to stop and it gives you such pleasure. I read about drug addicts and I think.. its the SAME feeling. Must have, must eat, must fill myself up, with what?? and WHY? I dont' know. i dont' feel like I should have all these emotional issues from my childhood and reasons to eat.. so why?
I can only describe it as a paradoxical sense of power and control. I say paradoxical because... You feel like you are taking control and putting this aweful food in your mouth for all those reasons you say in your head "i deserve it, iworked a long shift, i ate well this week, I am upset, i was hurt, or just plain.. fuck it"..so you have a sense if "i deserve it.." but at the same time you are TOTALLY out of control because your craving for this aweful food has completely consumed you and turned your thoughts around. Its a total addiction and a total high. this is why I look at these obsese people on my unit and can somewhat relate.. they are addicts.


I am proud of myself for taking charge, changing, growing.
I am proud of the person I am slowly becoming.

24 down

Changing your life feels really good. Changing it so much that to go back to your old ways feels weird,feels wrong-- FEELS REALLY GOOD.
I will confess... In a fit of indulgence and wild abandon i did cross my no-fast-food rule. BAD BONNIE! to my suprise.. i did not gain a pound from my two days of fast food in a row! I am still down 24 lbs! I have a long way to go... but it is exciting and ppl are noticing!

I have NEVER been 24 lbs down before.. the feeling is so liberating. Its like my baby. This is what I AM DOING for MYSELF. No ones doing it for me. No one can take the credit, but me.

I am about half way to my mid goal mark.

Alas I must cut this short. I PROMISE TO MORE FULLY UPDATE SOOOOOON