Top of the World

Today was a little triumph for me. For the third day in a row, i went walking in the river valley. But today was a bit different because i pushed myself quite a bit. Actually, someone special pushed me quite a bit. Im lucky to have him because he knows exactly where to push me, what im capable of.. and what is just too much.
Today I climbed the LOOONG staircase by fox drive. Then, i walked a mostly down-hill path all the way back down the incline. Just when I thought I was done, my partner in crime decided to challenge me to "hike" up the side of the hill... Now for someone who never hikes.. it WAS quite the hike. although not very far, it still was really hard. I would not normally have looked at that incline and thought that i could ever do it. But i DID! he was behind me the whole way encouraging me, and i kept thinking in my head : you SAID you wanted to hike.. so just START! and by the time i got to the top, although i was exhausted and my legs were burning, i was sooo proud of myself!! then i came back down the long stair case again. But before i descended, looking down and seeing how far i had come up, felt like i was on top of the world. I can't imagine how much BETTER it must feel to actaully climb a real mountain! There were other ppl there who were running up the staircase and who had ..shall we say NICE derriers.... and i just KNOW that i can be that one day. And one day soon! I can and I will. thats it.

HERES to ME!

In Praise of Slow.

Today and yesterday were both great days. I FINALLY after many months of feeling blue and depressed, got off the couch and out to enjoy the beautiful weather in walk in the river valley. Both days I had really supportive company. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I have people that care so much about me that will be my saftey net when i fall or admit things that im afraid of or am vulnerable about.

Even if I have a slow start, which this is, its good. It beats laying on the couch feeling tired and sad. Thats how i've been the last few months. Really tired. AND really SAD. But ... getting out of that comes with DOING. and luckily i have ppl in my life that can pick up on when i need that little extra push to get DOING again.
Right now i just so badly need to GET OUT. and im proud of myself because thats what i did. And will continue to do. I hope we have a beautiful autumn because its my favourite time of year!

So to touch on my title for this blog "in praise of slow" ... Sean my best friend was the one who came with me tonight on my walk. and afterwards, at second cup we got into the conversation about how fast paced our society is. How much pressure we put on ourselves and how for some, if our job isn't "stressful" enough, we are less satisfied, we feel less valuable. I think sometimes we need to just slow down, take things slowly, and not always have "getting ahead" in our minds. For instance, Yes i want to lose weight, count calories, work out, fit into my jeans.. etc etc... but gettnig out and walking tonight was more about getting OUT. and gettint OUT of the negative mind-cylce i've been in. And even if i dont' lose ANY Weight this week or this month or even this year, if i can just learn to praise the slow, praise me, praise my abilities and my strengths and USE myself to my full potential, thats good enought for me. Maybe thats what i need to learn in all of this.

Time.

These things I know are true:
I am beautiful. I am kind. I am a good person. I have sex appeal, and there are many things that I am capable of.
What I also know is true, is that I am very very unhappy. My life is like a Pie, and it is cut into several different pieces. The "happiness" portion in many of these pieces is complete. For instance I have a great job, i have accomplished quite a bit so far in my career. I have a loving family, many friends that love me, and really shouldn't be complaining because I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge and a bed to sleep on.
But, I am really unhappy with the potential in me that i am completely wasting. I know that I hold myself back from soo many things all because of my weight. I've said it before, a million times over. I am soo so unhappy with myself and my struggle with my weight. I know all the things I want to accomplish in life.
I want to take a hip hop dance class. I want to hike to the top of a mountain (ok maybe not the TOP and maybe not a very BIG mountain, but i want to enjoy the outdoors and by physical and accomplish physical things. I want to be elegant and graceful and be able to dance well and be able to do things that I want to do like sky-dive, try white water rafting, go scuba diving...and the list goes on and on. All these things Im dying to experience but I hold myself back and live life mainly from an onlookers perspective. I always watch everyone else living well and having fun. I want so desperately to do the things i want to do and have the confidence that I know is deep inside me. I want to wear somethign sexy and walk into a room and commade attention. Not negative attention, but the kinda of attention where people look at me and think "now SHE has got her shit together."

Oprah once said something to the affect of.. success is useless unless you really ARE the person you know you are and the person you want to be. What is the point of succeeding in anything if you are not fully living up to your own potential.

I feel like So much of my potential is being wasted. And literally my mind is the ONLY thing that stands in my way.
I need to change. I DESPERATELY need to change. I want to, But i feel like an addict who keeps getting drawn back in and back in and back in to this helpless way of thinking.

even now, at 2am, i stay awake when i need to be sleeping, because all i can think about is how im not really living life, but watching it go by and "waiting" for the day i will finally have my shit together. Waiting for the "one day... I will lose the weight" "one day .. i'll get back to the gym" "one day.. i'll find the motivation i need to change my life" but my life is continueing to go by and nothign is changing. im losing time.

I watched my sister's wedding video tonight and thoguth to myself, I dont' even WANT to get married if im not the person that i truly want to be by the time i meet someone to marry. I dont' want to go through a weddign where i give myself and my life to someone else if i dont' even have the life i want yet.

I need to get my life in order. I need to try new things. I need to change. I need to become active and healthy. Im dying for it.