Time.

These things I know are true:
I am beautiful. I am kind. I am a good person. I have sex appeal, and there are many things that I am capable of.
What I also know is true, is that I am very very unhappy. My life is like a Pie, and it is cut into several different pieces. The "happiness" portion in many of these pieces is complete. For instance I have a great job, i have accomplished quite a bit so far in my career. I have a loving family, many friends that love me, and really shouldn't be complaining because I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge and a bed to sleep on.
But, I am really unhappy with the potential in me that i am completely wasting. I know that I hold myself back from soo many things all because of my weight. I've said it before, a million times over. I am soo so unhappy with myself and my struggle with my weight. I know all the things I want to accomplish in life.
I want to take a hip hop dance class. I want to hike to the top of a mountain (ok maybe not the TOP and maybe not a very BIG mountain, but i want to enjoy the outdoors and by physical and accomplish physical things. I want to be elegant and graceful and be able to dance well and be able to do things that I want to do like sky-dive, try white water rafting, go scuba diving...and the list goes on and on. All these things Im dying to experience but I hold myself back and live life mainly from an onlookers perspective. I always watch everyone else living well and having fun. I want so desperately to do the things i want to do and have the confidence that I know is deep inside me. I want to wear somethign sexy and walk into a room and commade attention. Not negative attention, but the kinda of attention where people look at me and think "now SHE has got her shit together."

Oprah once said something to the affect of.. success is useless unless you really ARE the person you know you are and the person you want to be. What is the point of succeeding in anything if you are not fully living up to your own potential.

I feel like So much of my potential is being wasted. And literally my mind is the ONLY thing that stands in my way.
I need to change. I DESPERATELY need to change. I want to, But i feel like an addict who keeps getting drawn back in and back in and back in to this helpless way of thinking.

even now, at 2am, i stay awake when i need to be sleeping, because all i can think about is how im not really living life, but watching it go by and "waiting" for the day i will finally have my shit together. Waiting for the "one day... I will lose the weight" "one day .. i'll get back to the gym" "one day.. i'll find the motivation i need to change my life" but my life is continueing to go by and nothign is changing. im losing time.

I watched my sister's wedding video tonight and thoguth to myself, I dont' even WANT to get married if im not the person that i truly want to be by the time i meet someone to marry. I dont' want to go through a weddign where i give myself and my life to someone else if i dont' even have the life i want yet.

I need to get my life in order. I need to try new things. I need to change. I need to become active and healthy. Im dying for it.