Bootylicious.. Blues, (BUT a hard-earned pick-me-up)

What an emotional rollercoaster this is. Trying to keep my spirits up, my motivation up. Trying to look on the bright side. I AM doing great. I have to keep telling myself that. (All this comes after a depressing shopping experience that almost had me crying in the change room.) I was soo excited that my scrubs were getting soo big on me that i wanted to see how some new scrubs would look. 10 pairs of try-on scrubs later, I can't fit into my smaller size.. i can't even fit into the SAME size in different style.

I then went to old navy where, after trying on my sister's size 18 from this store and fitting them perfectly, i was crushed when i couldn't even do the damn things up. Now what am i going to wear to mariah carey, where i not openly but secretly want to slightly impress the person im going with.?! ugh.

All this fuss and i ended up settling on a pair of yoga pants from old navy. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I cannot attain the must-have killer pair of jeans, so i must make peace with the yoga pants for the next few months. AND make USE of them as well.

SO off i headed to the YYYYMMCCAAAA .. ok lame.. anyway.. I got a 2-week free pass (ask about it ppl.. they don't just hand them out!!) as a trial period. I did 45 minutes on the crosstrainer and burned 500 calories!! 500!! thats like... a third of my daily intake! So it is my goal to make the best use out of this free 2 weeks... and try to go every day. I work days this week so it should be pretty doable.

I Should do a weigh-in at some point this month.. maybe at the end of it. I find i do better when i don't have the scale in the house. (i use my friend dana's scale)

So last time i weighed myself i had lost 25 lbs. (roughly)

My new goal is to lose another 25 by january 1st, 2007. That will bring me to a total of 50lbs lost and my reward for this will be an ipod!!! yaaaayy!!

ok.. on that note i must retire. This working girl is beat.

This i'd just like to say...

Living in this fat-girl's body I have played the observer role for a large portion of my life.
Meaning there is a lot that I see, that I don't always let on.
There is a lot I have learned.
I see the world and how it works, and don't think I don't notice.
Don't think I don't watch the way you look at me, the way you speak to me.
The thick skin that I have gives the false impression that I don't feel the sting. That I don't break when I get last pick, last choice, last voice.
That I am last pick, last choice, last voice.

But I don't get to express those feelings. I have to put up a strong front.
Solid. Dependable. Friend. Loyal. Proper. Responsible. Good. Smart.
She would never risk. She would never take a chance. She would never be bad, she doesn't have the right.
She doesn't have the right to be naughty. The right to be wrong. The right to laugh at her own mistakes. The right to be wrong on purpose. She's not worthy.

Not even to be pretty? Not even to carry a purse? I had to hide. Style? Of my own? Surely I haven't thought of that before. Surely I dont' think of what I would like to project.
Instead I take what I can get. I wear your clothes because thats what you provide.
No individuality, no choice. No creativity, no choice.

Not really living. Not really me. Who is she?
Furher down, more, more.
Another one.
Another day.
Another one,
Just because.
Im addicted.
Because I can.
Because Im bored.
Because I deserve.
Because I don't care.
Because im searching.
Because I've stopped searching.
Because I'm searching.

Have you found her yet? Is she where you were looking?
Is that even what you were looking for? Wrong way.
Purge. Just the feelings. Purge.

Me, defense, anger, layer, layer, denial, anger, layer, skin. Smile, laugh, joke, Impassionate hugs, Neutral embrace, Friend. Confidant, Funny, Strong, Front. Fake.

Sick. if it, of me, of you, of all.
Sick.

no creative title today

It took a bit of gumption.. ok a LOT.. but im finally back "on the wagon." I need to find a new term for being on or off "the wagon" cuz im starting to sound like an alcoholic!

September is shaping up to be way better than august health- & fitness-wise. I have reignited my commitment to the stairs at work. I have successfully stayed away from fast food and plan on staying away for quite a while now again. I have gotten re-aquainted with my work-out video.. and my best friend sean and i even tried out the YMCA in the west end. I am not intimidated now to go to the Y and im going to start going more often. My goal for the next couple months is to really increase my cardio. I think that will get me out of this plateau that i've managed to get myself on.

I feel so good. Even though i still have a long way to go.. i no longer eat till im stuffed. I just eat till im satisfied and then i stop. Its such an amazing feeling beacuse I know what its like now not to have food control me. I still struggle of course, and sometimes the food DOES win. But for the most part.. i can control what i take in, and that gives me more satisfaction sometimes than actually EATING the food.

SO its turning into fall... (and mighty quickly i might add) at the end of september it will be 4 whole months that i've being giving an honest attempt at changing my life. I am so proud of myself, even tho im still struggling, at least im DOIGN something. Im being honest. I've let down my guard with ppl in my life and im being honest with them AND (most importantly) with myself about what my weaknesses are and what i need to change.

I am so excited that I've finally found the strenth to go through with my weight loss. I've always wanted to do it, I always knew icould do it.. and it has always plagued me. But now i feel like im finally getting my life on track.

Shake your groove thing Shake your grooove thing ya ya..

so... it took me a huge mmmmff but i finally got back on track for september. I have been eating healthy, doing some working out, doing some walking/jogging... and i believe im back to my best so far.
This is a huge accomplishment for me. Usually in the past, once fallen off the wagon, I tend to giveup completely. Alas, I will now choose to forget what has occured in the past, and focus on these next few months. I have already lost about and around 25 lbs. My goal for the next 4 months is to drop another 25 lbs. This will mean a total of 50 lbs lost by 2007. I never in a million years thought that i could reach that amount of weight lost, even though i always said i would do it. I don't know as i believed it was possible.

But lately Im beginning to see that things ARE possible for myself that I never dreamed were.

Tonight I shook my bootylicious booty with some friends at the Druid... For the first time in a long time, I felt somewhat good about myself. I know that I am a beautiful girl and I am sooo ready for everyone else to know too.

Back on track!! whooot! it feels so good!!

Back to the Basics.

August was a total crap-shoot. September has started, and every night I go to bed thinking of all the ways i can kickstart my motivation again, and every morning I wake up all geared up for a brand new start, but It seems SOOO much harder to do now. I know that it is all a mind game. If I tell myself Im going to do it, and if i DO do it, its easier to continue to do it. The trouble lies in finding the mmmff again to go COMPLETELY junk food free.

I can't blame it on the boys anymore. They may have destracted me and threw me OFF my wagon, but there is only one person keeping me from getting back on, and the girl wishes to God she looked like a pin-up girl (thats me).

I have to grab the bull by the horns.

Last night was terrible.. a girls night was in process and so was the consumption of calories galore, as all girls nights bring. I dont' WANT to be the one that finds so much comfort in food any more!! ughh!!

But today, I ate a peach, and a small whole grain roll toasted with margarine. I drank some water, not enough, but some.. and then later i went to tokyo express and had a bento box (which does NOT pass for healthy food.. I KNEW I should have had the pita)
To top my night off however, I did call up sean and we went for about a 2 hour walk with running periods. It felt really good to get my heart rate up. I have to give myself props for not ENTIRLY giving up and for having the courage to grab at straws and continue reaching out for help, continuing to attempt the healthy eating and exercising, and continuing to see light at the end of my very FAT tunnel. I also am keeping up with this bootylicious blog. Im glad that I have a place I can come to to celebrate my accomplishments and also vent my frustration and failures too. I have to come to the realization that in the journey towards losing 100lbs, there are GOING to be times like these where I need to get back on track. I can't be perfect all the time. and hey, I am DOWN 20-25 LBS (depending on the time of day i weigh myself) and THAT is a HUGE accomplishment.

I need to get back to the basics. I need to cut my portion sizes down again. I need to encorporate more veggies and fruit. I need to do more of my own cooking. And I need to STRICTLY make exercise a PRIORITY.

I know I can do this. I know I can. It is GOING TO HAPPEN. End of story.