Proud.

SO.. time to fess up to the fact that I have been slacking a bit in the weight loss deparment as of late. My entries in here have been far less frequent, I have broken my no fast food rule, and my exercise has NOT been up to snuff like june and even in july. Good news however: I still saw my lowest weight on the scale today, so perhaps the work i did over the last 2 months has quickened my metabolism so that a few slips do not equate disaster. I have been receiving compliments from people at work, I was even told "ok you need to stop losing weight now" (but that was from a source who's life goal is to over-flatter me for reasons i cannot comprehend.
I am receiving some attention from the opposite sex which feels nice. I love hearing that im beautiful.. because i am just now starting to actaully believe it. I've heard it from the people that "have to" say it for years.. but only recently when the weight has begun to come off and i've felt like im doing something for ME, can i say that i am truly starting to feel beautiful.

There sure is this thing about food tho, that i am not nearly over. It has this weird power over me.. and during the months of june and july it was easy to "ignore" even tho it never really left.. i could at least put it on the back burner. This month, however, the addiction or power that food has over me is slowly creeping back I can feel it, and what a totally powerless feeling it is.
We have a few very very obese patients on our unit and i can not help but empathize with them. Many people say "they make the choice to live that way." -- Agreed. However, There really is this strong psychological and physical dependance overweight/obese people get with food. IT is this insane intense feeling of, I need more, im not filled up, and you eat faster, and you eat more, and you just can't get enough, and the fattier the better... etc etc.. and you just don't care because you feel so hopeless to stop and it gives you such pleasure. I read about drug addicts and I think.. its the SAME feeling. Must have, must eat, must fill myself up, with what?? and WHY? I dont' know. i dont' feel like I should have all these emotional issues from my childhood and reasons to eat.. so why?
I can only describe it as a paradoxical sense of power and control. I say paradoxical because... You feel like you are taking control and putting this aweful food in your mouth for all those reasons you say in your head "i deserve it, iworked a long shift, i ate well this week, I am upset, i was hurt, or just plain.. fuck it"..so you have a sense if "i deserve it.." but at the same time you are TOTALLY out of control because your craving for this aweful food has completely consumed you and turned your thoughts around. Its a total addiction and a total high. this is why I look at these obsese people on my unit and can somewhat relate.. they are addicts.


I am proud of myself for taking charge, changing, growing.
I am proud of the person I am slowly becoming.