Top of the World

Today was a little triumph for me. For the third day in a row, i went walking in the river valley. But today was a bit different because i pushed myself quite a bit. Actually, someone special pushed me quite a bit. Im lucky to have him because he knows exactly where to push me, what im capable of.. and what is just too much.
Today I climbed the LOOONG staircase by fox drive. Then, i walked a mostly down-hill path all the way back down the incline. Just when I thought I was done, my partner in crime decided to challenge me to "hike" up the side of the hill... Now for someone who never hikes.. it WAS quite the hike. although not very far, it still was really hard. I would not normally have looked at that incline and thought that i could ever do it. But i DID! he was behind me the whole way encouraging me, and i kept thinking in my head : you SAID you wanted to hike.. so just START! and by the time i got to the top, although i was exhausted and my legs were burning, i was sooo proud of myself!! then i came back down the long stair case again. But before i descended, looking down and seeing how far i had come up, felt like i was on top of the world. I can't imagine how much BETTER it must feel to actaully climb a real mountain! There were other ppl there who were running up the staircase and who had ..shall we say NICE derriers.... and i just KNOW that i can be that one day. And one day soon! I can and I will. thats it.

HERES to ME!

In Praise of Slow.

Today and yesterday were both great days. I FINALLY after many months of feeling blue and depressed, got off the couch and out to enjoy the beautiful weather in walk in the river valley. Both days I had really supportive company. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I have people that care so much about me that will be my saftey net when i fall or admit things that im afraid of or am vulnerable about.

Even if I have a slow start, which this is, its good. It beats laying on the couch feeling tired and sad. Thats how i've been the last few months. Really tired. AND really SAD. But ... getting out of that comes with DOING. and luckily i have ppl in my life that can pick up on when i need that little extra push to get DOING again.
Right now i just so badly need to GET OUT. and im proud of myself because thats what i did. And will continue to do. I hope we have a beautiful autumn because its my favourite time of year!

So to touch on my title for this blog "in praise of slow" ... Sean my best friend was the one who came with me tonight on my walk. and afterwards, at second cup we got into the conversation about how fast paced our society is. How much pressure we put on ourselves and how for some, if our job isn't "stressful" enough, we are less satisfied, we feel less valuable. I think sometimes we need to just slow down, take things slowly, and not always have "getting ahead" in our minds. For instance, Yes i want to lose weight, count calories, work out, fit into my jeans.. etc etc... but gettnig out and walking tonight was more about getting OUT. and gettint OUT of the negative mind-cylce i've been in. And even if i dont' lose ANY Weight this week or this month or even this year, if i can just learn to praise the slow, praise me, praise my abilities and my strengths and USE myself to my full potential, thats good enought for me. Maybe thats what i need to learn in all of this.

Time.

These things I know are true:
I am beautiful. I am kind. I am a good person. I have sex appeal, and there are many things that I am capable of.
What I also know is true, is that I am very very unhappy. My life is like a Pie, and it is cut into several different pieces. The "happiness" portion in many of these pieces is complete. For instance I have a great job, i have accomplished quite a bit so far in my career. I have a loving family, many friends that love me, and really shouldn't be complaining because I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge and a bed to sleep on.
But, I am really unhappy with the potential in me that i am completely wasting. I know that I hold myself back from soo many things all because of my weight. I've said it before, a million times over. I am soo so unhappy with myself and my struggle with my weight. I know all the things I want to accomplish in life.
I want to take a hip hop dance class. I want to hike to the top of a mountain (ok maybe not the TOP and maybe not a very BIG mountain, but i want to enjoy the outdoors and by physical and accomplish physical things. I want to be elegant and graceful and be able to dance well and be able to do things that I want to do like sky-dive, try white water rafting, go scuba diving...and the list goes on and on. All these things Im dying to experience but I hold myself back and live life mainly from an onlookers perspective. I always watch everyone else living well and having fun. I want so desperately to do the things i want to do and have the confidence that I know is deep inside me. I want to wear somethign sexy and walk into a room and commade attention. Not negative attention, but the kinda of attention where people look at me and think "now SHE has got her shit together."

Oprah once said something to the affect of.. success is useless unless you really ARE the person you know you are and the person you want to be. What is the point of succeeding in anything if you are not fully living up to your own potential.

I feel like So much of my potential is being wasted. And literally my mind is the ONLY thing that stands in my way.
I need to change. I DESPERATELY need to change. I want to, But i feel like an addict who keeps getting drawn back in and back in and back in to this helpless way of thinking.

even now, at 2am, i stay awake when i need to be sleeping, because all i can think about is how im not really living life, but watching it go by and "waiting" for the day i will finally have my shit together. Waiting for the "one day... I will lose the weight" "one day .. i'll get back to the gym" "one day.. i'll find the motivation i need to change my life" but my life is continueing to go by and nothign is changing. im losing time.

I watched my sister's wedding video tonight and thoguth to myself, I dont' even WANT to get married if im not the person that i truly want to be by the time i meet someone to marry. I dont' want to go through a weddign where i give myself and my life to someone else if i dont' even have the life i want yet.

I need to get my life in order. I need to try new things. I need to change. I need to become active and healthy. Im dying for it.

Healthy, Positive Thinking!

ahhh... ok so i feel really good. I was so mad at myself for falling off of my wagon these past few months.. throughout the winter really. I had gained all my weight back that i lost, but now i've come to the conclusion that the past year was just the very beginning of my realization that i can be a healthy person. I have learned how to eat healthy, and learned that i CAN get out there and be active. Living in the country for so long, despite ppl thinking that you'd actually get outside more, I became so inactive cuz i drove everywhere, and didn't do a whole lot. Now i bike, walk, go to the gym, swim, and buy my own groceries. I must say too, that I am very good at buying groceries. Many people go to the grocery store and get tempted to buy all the crap. I find that my trip to the grocery store is quite therapeutic and I actually get motivated and re-motivated by buying really healthy things. (tonite was a grocery night and went great.) i've also concluded that it may be a bit more expensive to eat healthy (not sure if this is even true) but as i put away the contents of my grocery bags tonite, i thought to myself, if i have to invest a little more to ensure that i am eating healthy and preventing major diseases in my life, then im sure as hell going to do it.

I have cut out fast food since may 14th. I did slip up once as i had arbys with my friend kevin. However, I am proud of the fact that instead of completely binging after dropping kevin off (as i usually assume that because i gave in i might as well really binge,) I went back to my healthy habits.

Speaking of healthy habits, I also have to address the fact that aside from my addiction to fast food, I have adopted pretty healthy eating habits in the last year. For example: i rarely eat sandwiches. My sister once told me a long time ago about a friend of hers who lost a bunch of weight by cutting out sandwiches and limiting her carbs. I couldn't even imagine cutting out sandwhiches at that time. HOwever now, I find that sandwhichs are rarely made in this house. My milk is always skim, my bread is ALWAYS whole grain or whole wheat.

The contents of my shopping cart are always as follows:

- fresh fruit (apples, oranges, bananas, and the occaisional tropical seasonal fruit.. strawberries, cherries etc.
- fresh veggies (broccoli, lettuce, spinich, green onion, tomatoes, cucumbers)
- boneless, skinless, chicken breasts
- salmon
- canned veggies, soups, canned pineapple
- canned salmon or tuna
- skim milk
- eggs
- marble or mozza cheese ( i have pretty much cut out processed cheese)
- low-fat yogart and lots of it
- cottage cheese
- whole grain pasta
- canned tomatoes
- frozen fruit/veggies
- whole grain/whole wheat bread - i like to buy pita bread lately
- high fiber cereal (goLean cruch is my fav right now)
- today i bought almonds

This is the bulk of my grocery list and sometimes i supplement with condiments, like calorie-wise salad dressings, low fat miracle wip (today i bought fat-free)
we always use extra virgin olive oil for cooking.

if anyone has any suggestions for good snacks or anything, please leave me a note.
(not that anyone actually reads this..lol)

I am happy to report that i have pretty much cut out processed cheese, and kraft dinner, chinese pre-packaged noodle soups. So, if i can continue cutting out fast food, my diet will pretty much consist of the above. Fast food is where my downfall is, because i eat healthy at home, but when im out is when i give in to all the processed, high-glycemic index foods that are so tempting and addicting.

My blood pressure the other day at shoppers was 112/78 and 106/77 which i was ecstatic about! (last year and throughout my heavy stages my systolic has been up to 140's.

A non-scale victory (NSV) for the week: my purple scrub pants are way looser and they are now within acceptable ranges to wear to work! (the were painted on me before 2 weeks ago)
I've started writing down the foods im eating in a little food journal. Hope i can keep this up.
In order to continue supporting myself in a healthy lifestyle, i have to surround myself with healthy thinking, healthy actities, and healthy people! To contribute to this, i have gone to health websites like 3fatchicks.com and sparkpeople.com. I also have developed a habit of buying health magazines like "shape" and "fitness" and even "womens health" i find that flipping thru these mags really inspires me and sets my thinking right.


yay me! good day, and now.. a good night.

A great evening walk

So... with renewed energy i make my first blog entry in eons. I am now on day 9. I realize there have been many "day 9's" in the past but I shouldn't let that phase me, and I do realize that changing my lifestyle will forever be a daily struggle, one that i will always have failures and successes in. With that said, I feel like im doing great and I am in the same groove as i was in last summer with all my success. I have been going to the gym (I have joined spa lady and its great) and have been doing more cardio than i even did last year! Andrew gave/lent (not sure which) me his mp3 player and loaded it with good work-out tunes. I feel great when I am working out. Tonight, on top of working out AND breaking out the bike for the first time this season, Andrew and I went on a walk downtown by the golfcourse, and down by the river. It felt amazing to be outside. When I am elevating myself and doing physical things I feel like a different person. I feel like I am so much closer to being the person I want to be. We climbed a long stair case and I was out of breath, but it felt so amazing to be high up and i could see the river and all the trees below me and that feeling is indescribable. Andrew was also such a good person to go with because he really is patient with me and goes at my pace. Also, I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses to him and he doesn't judge me for them. I am so excited to encorporate evening walking in the river valley into my exercise routines for the summer. I would love to maybe go on some hikes closer to the end of the summer and maybe in the fall. I Do still get discouraged and earlier today was one of those days. I can't really describe why. I have lost 5 lbs in 8 days. that is a huge accomplishment, and Im off to a great start. But i find that when i weigh myself, even if i've lost, I am reminded of how far i have to go and also, how i've done the "lost 5 lbs" before and all the times i've failed. It is for this reason that I will try to only weigh myself every 2 weeks or even less frequent. I know that some ppl would say that weighing myself should be a weekly thing to make sure I am doing thigns right and the weight loss is working, however if i risk feeling bad about myself and falling off the wagon, i dont see it as a good thing. I should instead go by how I feel, how my clothes fit, and so on. I will rely on the confidence i gain, adn the compliments i receive from my coworkers and family/friends. Last year i received LOTS and i think i will again because i know im going to make this work.

A large element in my success is cutting out the fast food, which i have successfully done so far. Fast food is SUCH an addiction for me. I hate and love it at the same time. I want it out of my diet. Perhaps in the future It can become an occaissonal treat, but i really want to be the kind of person that has fast food extrememly infrequently. I wish that andrew could understand a bit more about my addiction to fast food. He says he understands but im not sure he really knows how when he eats fast food infront of me i really feel like crying because i want it so bad and how hard it is for me to go with him to mcdonalds and watch him eat it. I guess i shoudln't expect my lifestyle change to be everyone else's change too... but it really is like dangling cocaine infront of a recovering addict.

I am writing down what i eat and so far my diet has been really really good. Im so excited to be making dinners at home and packing lunches for work adn actaully havign good breakfasts! Im excited to get up in the morning and see how well i will do!

here's to another great start!

Excuses

I am doing nothing but WASTING THE PRETTY!~

I have so much beauty and because of the weight i've put on i cant' see it. Such a change from my previous posts of... "look at what i've accomplished" and "Im so proud of myself" ... I have gained almost all of the weight back that i took off in the summer.
I could write a whole long sob story about how im "stuck in a rut" and "i can't find the motivation" blah blah.. but im so fucking sick of this story. Im so sick of all my excuses.

Im not compeltely down on myself I do have to say that in the last year I have successfully proven to myself that significant weight loss is possible for myself, that I CAN make it to the gym and be a "workout" person. I have proven to myself that things are possible that I never thought were and I even came close to fulfulling some dreams.
At least I know now that these things are possible.

ok.. i really need to revamp this all. I need to change it up. I can't just come on here and blubber and wail about what a failure i am and how hard it is to lose weight. I need to set some minor goals for myself.

My goal for this week is to lose 2 lbs. today is tuesday. By next tuesday i will be 2 lbs lighter.
By the end of february i will fit back into my cute white shirt.
I will do this by going to the gym 3 times per week in february.

My friend chris is such an unbelieveable motivator. Thank yoU!

in following his advice i vow to make the decision. To not look back. to move forward from this point on.
"dont' dwell on the past" -- because i no longer exist in the past. The past no longer exists.

My dwelling privledges have been revoked...

HERE i go again.

and one and two and three

I know one day i'll get there. But this journey is so mentally exhausting. One day i feel invincable... like my goals are so tangible. The next day i feel utterly hopeless... like theres no point in trying anymore.

I want to be able to fully believe someone when they tell me I'm beautiful.
I find that soo hard. If someone says im pretty, i think i can accept that. I am a pretty girl. But beautiful? sexy? desired? i don't think so. And when I get told that... I automatically am suspicious. Oh how I wonder what it would feel like to be walking around knowing that you are sexually desirable and physically attractive to most ppl. Just a day of that would be pretty freakin neat.

I love this pin up girl. i like to pretend that i look that hot when i am working out.